As mere mortals we like to play it safe, and prefer jumping once we know where we are landing.
Sometimes however it takes a leap of faith, faith that life will show us the way and as Des Brown says: "Sometimes you just need to jump, and grow your wings on the way down".
All the opportunities of where you may land are exhilerating, but also overwhelming and pretty terrifying. The world seems so big, physically, mentally, emotionally.
Where to start? Where does one want to land?
I would say, like with all new journeys, we start with checking our inner compass: our core values.
Do you know what they are? If not, it may well be worth giving it some thought. After all they are the most important thing to us, they are what decide if we are happy and fulfilled or depressed and frustrated.
In my case my values of honesty, authenticity and my need to make the most of every moment were conflicting with my values of loyalty and my family values. Still, at the end of the day I was making no one happy and my inner turmoil was reflecting in physical symptoms. I believed I could uphold my family values with a patchwork family idea ( so far so good, we see each other a lot, have family meals together on Sunday..etc) and the concept that it was actually more loyal towards my husband to set him free to find more absolute love elsewhere. (Miraculously he already has found someone very special).
Sometimes our values are clear to us, we know what we stand for, or in some cases we know what makes us really mad, and that is usually something going against our values. But it is not always so obvious to define the things which are at the centre of our being and without which we are not in line with ourselves.
"If in doubt, get your values out".
Give it some thought:
- What is essential to you?
- What can you not stand?
- What do others say about you?
- Identify a peak moment in time when you were really happy: who was there? What was happening? what made you so happy?
Tip: Hyrum W. Smith has a good exercise and process to uncover your values in "What matters most".
Once we know these core values we have a genuine compass at our disposal to guide us through life. Sometimes we get off track, but they are what helps us find our way again.
Good luck! A good coach will also help you uncover them if you need some neutral but guiding outside help!
Let's make it happen and live a full, purposeful and meaningful life!
Wednesday, 26 November 2014
Wednesday, 15 October 2014
Recalibration
Well it has been a long break, but a needed one.
Authenticity, self-analysis, decision and execution.
It sounds simple but the bigger the decision, the more we get lost in what we should do and forget the true us until, fed up of seeing the signs ignored, the body takes action, sends out the symptoms till we have no other choice than to listen.
Seen my mission in this blog is to share life tools and tips and reflections out of my professional life, self help books and life experience I will share in this case my personal story.
After 15 years with our three children moving from Cameroon, to Uganda, to Senegal and Berlin, we returned to my husbands home country the Netherlands two years ago.
And little by little my balanced life started to unravel...
Whether Repat Blues, midlife crisis, changed financial conditions and a less "exciting"life, or my memories as an adolescent here...I started to feel suffocated and miserable in all areas of my life. The children needed me less and less, I needed more professional outlets, Holland is physically small, and the differences between my husband and I on many subjects just seemed to become more and apparent.
I put it down at first to a general midlife overview where I felt I was short selling myself but refused to ignore the most serious component: my relationship. I refused to admit there was anything fundamentally wrong listing all the reasons why everything was fine. First and foremost our three beautiful children, how generous and caring and supportive he has always been, the languages and love to travel we share etc...but reasons without the right feelings ...
My body started creating a whole litany of ailments which could not be ignored and over two tortuous years I circled and circled till suddenly I knew.
I knew that OK was not enough for me, nor was it fair on him.
The day I saw this, all my stress and inner battle, and with it the symptoms disappeared.
We took it one step at a time, first living companionably under the same roof, informing family and the children. I am blessed with a husband who though at first shocked, hurt and angry, grew to see that he may in effect be happier with someone else. The children initially distraught are taking it in their stride and we are managing so far to stay best of friends with family meals on Sunday, sharing the car...etc For that I am grateful. The house is full of laughter and the children also go with pleasure for a weekly meal and sleepovers at Papas.
Sure I am worried, where to live ( I have never lived anywhere more than a few years), money, job ..etc. Will I lose the only life I know: expat child? Expat partner? I guess now I am expat.
Holland will stay my home for as long as the children are schooled here and after that ...who knows? The world is my oyster and more than anything else, I feel authentic, whole, knowing that despite of difficulties, I know deep down to the core of my being that this is the right thing to do, for us all.
For now I have no desire for another relationship, I revel in my freedom and my children and the new path ahead.
So now I am back on track, feeling I can ethically coach again and renewing with the wonderful world of self improvement and this blog.
Now this is not a line of action I recommend, but are there areas of your life needing to be revisited for authenticity?
Wednesday, 22 February 2012
Timeless virtue 6: selflessly serve others
Selfless: the word itself is in danger of falling out of the dictionary it is so seldomly used and so out of line with the individualistic, materialistic characteristics of modern day society in general." What's in it for me?, Why should I" would be the most common reactions.
Yet this attitude of self-centredness makes our world so small, so confined. We envy others, feel hard done by and urge ourselves to do more and faster in order for our ego to be satisfied and for us to move to the top of the pack.
Robin Sharma says: " No matter what you have achieved and how many things you own, the quality of your life will come down to the quality of your contribution (...) When you work to improve the lives of others you indirecly elevate your own life in the process". (so not entirely selfless!)
He goes on to explain what a paradigm is. Knowing that we each perceive the world in a different way, a paradigm is the view we have. A bit like a lense, an optimist will see the world rosy or the glass half full, a pessimist will see it gloomy and only notice what is missing. Here he means that in order to be happy, we need to review why we are here on Earth to put things into perspective. As he so rightly states" Just as you entered the world with nothing, you are destined to leave with nothing." The reason we are here is to contribute to the world in as large or as small a way, but to fulfill our individual purpose.
This echos again that amazing little book from Viktor Frankl: " Man's search for meaning" and Frankl's conviction than man's central motivator is to live a life of purpose. In order to do that we need to detect our destiny, our personal purpose.The amazing thing being we are always provided with the skill set needed to fulfill that destiny, whatever it may be.
Sharma:" The sages of the East call it the process of shedding the shackles of self." Stopping seeing ourselves as an individual, but part of the collective.And our aim, to contribute in a positive way to the collective.
It doesnt have to be huge things:yes we can volunteer time, we can donate money but we can also make sure that every day we make at least one random act of kindness:helping a stranger, saying a nice word to the cashier, praising someone, offering a flower, bringing a cup of coffee, making someone laugh.
Living is giving and this mindset brings with it so much more peace and satisfaction than something material whose attraction disappears as soon as we get it.
So what can you do today to contribute?
Let's make it happen!
Yet this attitude of self-centredness makes our world so small, so confined. We envy others, feel hard done by and urge ourselves to do more and faster in order for our ego to be satisfied and for us to move to the top of the pack.
Robin Sharma says: " No matter what you have achieved and how many things you own, the quality of your life will come down to the quality of your contribution (...) When you work to improve the lives of others you indirecly elevate your own life in the process". (so not entirely selfless!)
He goes on to explain what a paradigm is. Knowing that we each perceive the world in a different way, a paradigm is the view we have. A bit like a lense, an optimist will see the world rosy or the glass half full, a pessimist will see it gloomy and only notice what is missing. Here he means that in order to be happy, we need to review why we are here on Earth to put things into perspective. As he so rightly states" Just as you entered the world with nothing, you are destined to leave with nothing." The reason we are here is to contribute to the world in as large or as small a way, but to fulfill our individual purpose.
This echos again that amazing little book from Viktor Frankl: " Man's search for meaning" and Frankl's conviction than man's central motivator is to live a life of purpose. In order to do that we need to detect our destiny, our personal purpose.The amazing thing being we are always provided with the skill set needed to fulfill that destiny, whatever it may be.
Sharma:" The sages of the East call it the process of shedding the shackles of self." Stopping seeing ourselves as an individual, but part of the collective.And our aim, to contribute in a positive way to the collective.
It doesnt have to be huge things:yes we can volunteer time, we can donate money but we can also make sure that every day we make at least one random act of kindness:helping a stranger, saying a nice word to the cashier, praising someone, offering a flower, bringing a cup of coffee, making someone laugh.
Living is giving and this mindset brings with it so much more peace and satisfaction than something material whose attraction disappears as soon as we get it.
So what can you do today to contribute?
Let's make it happen!
Monday, 23 January 2012
Timeless virtue 5: Respect your time
On we travel with Robin Sharma through his book: "The Monk who sold his Ferrari". Today we are talking about what matters most, setting priorities, and making the most of our most precious commodity: time.
Balance around our priorities is the key concept.
Most of us either live frantically in the futur, planning and scheduling and dont stop enough to smell the roses or float through life without clearly defined goals and wonder where on earth all our days have gone when we havent achieved half of what we had wanted to do.
Mr Sharma is all for planning: " failing to plan is planning to fail." Slightly kitschy but does make the valid point that if we dont have the discipline to determine our priorities and focus our time around them, they are most likely to remain in the dream arena.
He refers back to the Pareto Principle which you may know as the "80/20" rule. That is the scientific fact that 20% of what we do leads to 80% of our results.20% of what you do will have an influence on the quality of your life. So be ruthless with your time and say no to the things which "waste' your time.
That does not mean rushing around hectically. That means determining which are the purposeful, meaningful things you want to focus your life on. Even if that means shutting down your computer and playing with total attention with a child, listening whole heartedly to a friend in need, honouring the values and fulfilling your life mission.
Goethe wrote:" Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things that matter least."
Robin Sharma urges us to simplify our lives: "Too mnay people are dreaming of some magical rose garden on the horizon, rather than enjoying the one growing in our backyards."
We need to cultivate a "deathbed mentality", making every moment count.Then all the little details which can make us so mad and are the cause of so much stress, just merge into insignificance in the background.
One of the simple quotations I like the most in his book is his recommendation to: "Never be a prisoner of your past, but the architect of your future."
Dont waste time fretting about past mistakes or events, learn from them and use them to build your future.
Here is to making it happen!
Balance around our priorities is the key concept.
Most of us either live frantically in the futur, planning and scheduling and dont stop enough to smell the roses or float through life without clearly defined goals and wonder where on earth all our days have gone when we havent achieved half of what we had wanted to do.
Mr Sharma is all for planning: " failing to plan is planning to fail." Slightly kitschy but does make the valid point that if we dont have the discipline to determine our priorities and focus our time around them, they are most likely to remain in the dream arena.
He refers back to the Pareto Principle which you may know as the "80/20" rule. That is the scientific fact that 20% of what we do leads to 80% of our results.20% of what you do will have an influence on the quality of your life. So be ruthless with your time and say no to the things which "waste' your time.
That does not mean rushing around hectically. That means determining which are the purposeful, meaningful things you want to focus your life on. Even if that means shutting down your computer and playing with total attention with a child, listening whole heartedly to a friend in need, honouring the values and fulfilling your life mission.
Goethe wrote:" Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things that matter least."
Robin Sharma urges us to simplify our lives: "Too mnay people are dreaming of some magical rose garden on the horizon, rather than enjoying the one growing in our backyards."
We need to cultivate a "deathbed mentality", making every moment count.Then all the little details which can make us so mad and are the cause of so much stress, just merge into insignificance in the background.
One of the simple quotations I like the most in his book is his recommendation to: "Never be a prisoner of your past, but the architect of your future."
Dont waste time fretting about past mistakes or events, learn from them and use them to build your future.
Here is to making it happen!
Saturday, 14 January 2012
Timeless virtue four: live with Discipline
Discipline, now that sounds painful.But Robin Sharma brings it down to a more human level by comparing self discipline and will power to a wire cable where each stem alone is not so resisitant but all these small components woven together create a cable stronger than iron. The sum is larger than the total of the constituent parts. What it means is that small, tiny acts of self discipline, woven together create " an abundance of inner strength". I like that idea! Anyone can develop a willpower of steel through a small daily training.
Having this self discipline provides us with a huge feeling of peace, knowing what is right and doing it daily.
"Don't race against others, race against yourself" he adds. In this way we both avoid pointless envy, worry and demotivation and pursue with passion and motivation a constant improvement on ourselves.Sounds like a good goal to have, in particular in January of a New year!
Remember what we said earlier in this blog" Will is the King of Mental powers. When you master your mind, you master your life." (The Monk who sold his Ferrari)
Based on old Eastern principles he is convinced that positive always overcomes negative. So even if the negative thoughts have usually won, pursue your fight with conviction and the positive ones will overcome. Once this train of thoughts is changed, and changed regularly, the path will become effortless. But at first it takes self discipline.
One tip he gives to cultivate this self-discipline is the use of mantras, repeating a few words:
" Words are the verbal embodiment of power.By filling your mind with words of hope, you become hopeful.By filling your mind with words of kindness, you become kind. By filling your mind with thoughts of courage, you become courageous."
He suggests this one. Sit somewhere quiet and still your mind, then repeat aloud over and over again: " I am more than I appear to be, all the world's strength and power rests inside me."
Self discipline starts with small steps, large journeys are covered in small steps.
Let's make it happen!
Having this self discipline provides us with a huge feeling of peace, knowing what is right and doing it daily.
"Don't race against others, race against yourself" he adds. In this way we both avoid pointless envy, worry and demotivation and pursue with passion and motivation a constant improvement on ourselves.Sounds like a good goal to have, in particular in January of a New year!
Remember what we said earlier in this blog" Will is the King of Mental powers. When you master your mind, you master your life." (The Monk who sold his Ferrari)
Based on old Eastern principles he is convinced that positive always overcomes negative. So even if the negative thoughts have usually won, pursue your fight with conviction and the positive ones will overcome. Once this train of thoughts is changed, and changed regularly, the path will become effortless. But at first it takes self discipline.
One tip he gives to cultivate this self-discipline is the use of mantras, repeating a few words:
" Words are the verbal embodiment of power.By filling your mind with words of hope, you become hopeful.By filling your mind with words of kindness, you become kind. By filling your mind with thoughts of courage, you become courageous."
He suggests this one. Sit somewhere quiet and still your mind, then repeat aloud over and over again: " I am more than I appear to be, all the world's strength and power rests inside me."
Self discipline starts with small steps, large journeys are covered in small steps.
Let's make it happen!
Friday, 2 December 2011
Timeless virtue three:practice kaizen
Here we are at the third timeless virtue based on Robin Sharma's book: "The monk who sold his Ferrari", and it is the practice of kaizen.
Kaizen is a Japannese word referring to the concept of endless improvement, of continually striving to improve. So it is not a question of having some New Year Resolutions and ticking them (or not) from our list, but of making it a virtue in itself to incorporate constant evaluations and new goals in our lives.
He has a few strong points here:
1. "No man is free who is not master of himself".This is food enough for a whole blog. For now, let us say it is knowing who we are and accepting who we are and doing what we know is our rightful way, adjusting and improving along that way.
2. Pain is a great teacher. This sounds rather masochistic but just as in sport a muscle needs to break its boundaries to grow (hence muscle ache, in the same way pain introduces new boundaries to us and through learning our way through them, we grow. We learn new aspects of ourselves, we learn how to cope.
He adds:" No experience is inherently painful or pleasant, it is your thinking that makes it so".Mmm...not our usual way of thinking...
So what Mr Sharma suggests is to identify and conquer our fears, our weaknesses. I quote: " The only limits on your life are those that you set yourself: make a written inventory of your weaknesses, when you conquer your fears, you conquer your life." Hence being master of yourself, and free.
In a way, he is saying that fear is a conditionned response and we need to question that. This is bringing to mind a training I did years back as I started off as management consultant. We were a group of ambitious young rookies and during our training we needed to make various presentations. I was terrified. I seem very confident on the outside but within I was thinking up all sorts of excuses why I had to leave and panicking totally. So what did I do? I always volunteered first. By doing this I eventually conquered the fear and what a gratifying feeling that was. And so in life we are frequently confronted by fears, new ones, recurring old ones and we need to find them, face them, question our fear and then go and do what we fear the most! So what are your fears?
To help us on our kaizen way he adds 10 tips on rituals we should incorporate into our daily routine to live a radiant life:
Ritual 1: A ritual of peace.Create a daily period of peace, a ritual of solitude (ideally at the same time as rituals like consistency), commune with nature daily. Inspire from its beauty, its logic, its life force.
Ritual 2: a Ritual of physicality (daily exercise: ideally a min of 30 mins and preferably outside)
Ritual 3:Ritual of live nourishment: (if its dead: dont eat it. He recommends only fresh vegetables, fruit, grain: ouch to most of us)
Ritual 4:The ritual of abundant Knowledge: (dedicate yourslef to a life long learning, make time to think, read regularly)
Ritual 5:A ritual of personal reflection (reflect on your day, cultivate positive thoughts, laugh, learn from the less positive experiences)
Ritual 6: A ritual of early awakening. Yes, I can hear the groans. He recommends rising with the sun and basing your daily rythm on it, taking from its energy.(I dont mind in winter)
Ritual 7: A Ritual of music. Create time to relax and listen to the harmony of music, let it transport you, carry your thoughts.
Ritual 8: The Ritual of the spoken word ( create a mantra that will inspire and ground you and repeat it out loud)
Ritual 9: The Ritual of a congruent character (strengthen your character: reap an action, sow a habit) Timeless principles of: industry, compassion, humility, patience, honesty and courage. Decide where your weaknesses lie and envision the differences and continuously work towards it.
Ritual 10: A Ritual of simplicity (do not unnecessarily complicate your life: put first things first, set priorities in a value based way)
And for today I shall finish with a quotation of his which particularly resonnated with me:
"Laughing is medicine for the soul, we don’t laugh because we are happy, we are happy because we laugh".
I love it! So keep laughing!!!!
Kaizen is a Japannese word referring to the concept of endless improvement, of continually striving to improve. So it is not a question of having some New Year Resolutions and ticking them (or not) from our list, but of making it a virtue in itself to incorporate constant evaluations and new goals in our lives.
He has a few strong points here:
1. "No man is free who is not master of himself".This is food enough for a whole blog. For now, let us say it is knowing who we are and accepting who we are and doing what we know is our rightful way, adjusting and improving along that way.
2. Pain is a great teacher. This sounds rather masochistic but just as in sport a muscle needs to break its boundaries to grow (hence muscle ache, in the same way pain introduces new boundaries to us and through learning our way through them, we grow. We learn new aspects of ourselves, we learn how to cope.
He adds:" No experience is inherently painful or pleasant, it is your thinking that makes it so".Mmm...not our usual way of thinking...
So what Mr Sharma suggests is to identify and conquer our fears, our weaknesses. I quote: " The only limits on your life are those that you set yourself: make a written inventory of your weaknesses, when you conquer your fears, you conquer your life." Hence being master of yourself, and free.
In a way, he is saying that fear is a conditionned response and we need to question that. This is bringing to mind a training I did years back as I started off as management consultant. We were a group of ambitious young rookies and during our training we needed to make various presentations. I was terrified. I seem very confident on the outside but within I was thinking up all sorts of excuses why I had to leave and panicking totally. So what did I do? I always volunteered first. By doing this I eventually conquered the fear and what a gratifying feeling that was. And so in life we are frequently confronted by fears, new ones, recurring old ones and we need to find them, face them, question our fear and then go and do what we fear the most! So what are your fears?
To help us on our kaizen way he adds 10 tips on rituals we should incorporate into our daily routine to live a radiant life:
Ritual 1: A ritual of peace.Create a daily period of peace, a ritual of solitude (ideally at the same time as rituals like consistency), commune with nature daily. Inspire from its beauty, its logic, its life force.
Ritual 2: a Ritual of physicality (daily exercise: ideally a min of 30 mins and preferably outside)
Ritual 3:Ritual of live nourishment: (if its dead: dont eat it. He recommends only fresh vegetables, fruit, grain: ouch to most of us)
Ritual 4:The ritual of abundant Knowledge: (dedicate yourslef to a life long learning, make time to think, read regularly)
Ritual 5:A ritual of personal reflection (reflect on your day, cultivate positive thoughts, laugh, learn from the less positive experiences)
Ritual 6: A ritual of early awakening. Yes, I can hear the groans. He recommends rising with the sun and basing your daily rythm on it, taking from its energy.(I dont mind in winter)
Ritual 7: A Ritual of music. Create time to relax and listen to the harmony of music, let it transport you, carry your thoughts.
Ritual 8: The Ritual of the spoken word ( create a mantra that will inspire and ground you and repeat it out loud)
Ritual 9: The Ritual of a congruent character (strengthen your character: reap an action, sow a habit) Timeless principles of: industry, compassion, humility, patience, honesty and courage. Decide where your weaknesses lie and envision the differences and continuously work towards it.
Ritual 10: A Ritual of simplicity (do not unnecessarily complicate your life: put first things first, set priorities in a value based way)
And for today I shall finish with a quotation of his which particularly resonnated with me:
"Laughing is medicine for the soul, we don’t laugh because we are happy, we are happy because we laugh".
I love it! So keep laughing!!!!
Saturday, 19 November 2011
Timeless virtue 2: Follow your Purpose
Still based on Robin Sharma's book: "The Monk who sold his Ferrari", now that we have explored timeless virtue number one: Master your mind, it is time for timeless virtue number two: Follow your purpose.
Thankfully coaching is not a set of random, unconnected principles and virtues so this of course ties in nicely to all the self discovery we have done on this blog about " Leaving a legacy" and finding our personal life mission.
AS he says:" The purpose of life, is a life of purpose." Simple and true.
He adds: "Lasting happiness comes from steadily working to accomplish your goals and advancing confidently in the direction of your life’s purpose". I am less versed in all things Eastern but he bases this quotation on the ancient principle of dharma which says that everyone of us has a heroic mission while we walk this earth. That we have all been granted a unique set of gifts and talents that will allow us to realize this lifework. The key is to discover them, and in doing so, discover the main objective of your life.
So how do we do that once we have discovered it ?(see previous blogs if joining me now!). By setting goals. Indeed, my favourite occupation! The difference between a dream and a goal is a date. Deciding what we want, what we need to do and when we are going to do it.
I couldnt agree more when he says: "People spend their whole lives dreaming of becoming happier, living with more vitality and having an abundance of passion. Yet they do not see the importance of taking even 10 minutes a month to write out their goals and to think deeply about the meaning of their lives, their Dharma. Goal setting will make your life magnificent.
My previous blogs are full of the importance of goals so I will limit myself here to presenting you Robin Sharma's 5 step method:
- Create a clear mental image of the outcome you desire (magic of the lake)
- Create positive pressure to inspire you (master your thoughts)
- Attach a timeline to your goal and commit it to paper (wrte it down to make it happen. He introduces the concept of a dream book)
- Magic Rule of 21: commit for 21 days. In 21 days you create a new neural pathway and he emphasises the tremendous power in ritual.
- Enjoy the process
The journey of a 1000 miles starts with a single step, so what is holding you back?
Let's make it happen!
Thankfully coaching is not a set of random, unconnected principles and virtues so this of course ties in nicely to all the self discovery we have done on this blog about " Leaving a legacy" and finding our personal life mission.
AS he says:" The purpose of life, is a life of purpose." Simple and true.
He adds: "Lasting happiness comes from steadily working to accomplish your goals and advancing confidently in the direction of your life’s purpose". I am less versed in all things Eastern but he bases this quotation on the ancient principle of dharma which says that everyone of us has a heroic mission while we walk this earth. That we have all been granted a unique set of gifts and talents that will allow us to realize this lifework. The key is to discover them, and in doing so, discover the main objective of your life.
So how do we do that once we have discovered it ?(see previous blogs if joining me now!). By setting goals. Indeed, my favourite occupation! The difference between a dream and a goal is a date. Deciding what we want, what we need to do and when we are going to do it.
I couldnt agree more when he says: "People spend their whole lives dreaming of becoming happier, living with more vitality and having an abundance of passion. Yet they do not see the importance of taking even 10 minutes a month to write out their goals and to think deeply about the meaning of their lives, their Dharma. Goal setting will make your life magnificent.
My previous blogs are full of the importance of goals so I will limit myself here to presenting you Robin Sharma's 5 step method:
- Create a clear mental image of the outcome you desire (magic of the lake)
- Create positive pressure to inspire you (master your thoughts)
- Attach a timeline to your goal and commit it to paper (wrte it down to make it happen. He introduces the concept of a dream book)
- Magic Rule of 21: commit for 21 days. In 21 days you create a new neural pathway and he emphasises the tremendous power in ritual.
- Enjoy the process
The journey of a 1000 miles starts with a single step, so what is holding you back?
Let's make it happen!
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